Limited knowledge/ Free to be me

I am now more than ever in a place where I realise they are so many things I do not know…yet. This unknowingness spans through almost every area I can think of; money management, spiritual things, the art of relationships, worldly things….the list is endless. I realise that I only know so little of these things and I guess this realisation is a good thing because it suggests the onset of a desire to know more and I read somewhere yesterday that its only when you get to the end of you knowledge/strength/resources that you can begin to rely fully on God. So, Jesus take the wheel! Before now, I sub consciously walked around like I knew a fair amount of things, you know, there were some areas I used to feel like a professor in. Now I laugh because they say and I paraphrase “In a blind mans kingdom, the one-eyed man is king” Therefore, it is walking among the “blind” that caused my superior thinking now I’m in the world of two-eyed men big time.

Forgive me for this me-me-me syndrome that is beginning to plague me. As, I said I really want to blog for me now. I mean I love the fact that you guys visit and even bother to comment. I used to be crazy about that stuff in the beginning, one comment from someone could literally make my day and it still does but its different now. Then I craved acceptance…it was all about the end product and how the “user” would relate with/perceive it. You know there were all these funny, witty, juicy gossip, interesting and drama overload blogs. I thought “if only I could be like them and have people drop like 50 comments on one post” lol… but you know what, I’m not, could even be that if I wanted to. I may not be funny, witty, have any thing particularly interesting to say, I may be random and confusing…heck! I don’t know…but I’m going to be me and if in the process of doing that I happen to interest/amuse you or whatever then, wow!... good for you!.

Really I think people ought to have like a mission statement before starting a blog so it can be really clear what you want…me I was doing follow-follow…I saw what other people had, a channel to express their opinion about anything and say what was on their mind, an open community and I wanted in but I didn’t actually cash in on it. I filtered my thoughts and everything…I was just blogging so I could get comments not that I got that many but those few I got where all I blogged for. And it’s nice to get comments but I got it twisted, I should blog for me and then if I happen to get any comments… an additional plus!

This blogsville issue is kinda parallel to real life. I’ve been ignoring myself, hiding, repressing myself so I can be the right model of good girl for mother/family/friends/teachers and everyone. I mean ok, I’m really a good girl sometimes but the problem is once you’re one you can’t stop being one cuz there are expectations and the pressure is killing! I swear I wish I rebelled more in my childhood. My sister moans that she hates being the “bad girl” but I envy her bad girl rep. she can mess up and not get much stick but then I guess she envies my good girl rep cuz people only speak friggin good of you! Labels in general suck! I pray I don’t make that mistake with my kids. Even the worst people have good in them and even the best people have some bad in them, overlooking either side could be fatal. I really just want to be free to be me…whatever that may be..

Lots of mushy strawberry love..lol
me