Saturday, October 04, 2008

Limited knowledge/ Free to be me

I am now more than ever in a place where I realise they are so many things I do not know…yet. This unknowingness spans through almost every area I can think of; money management, spiritual things, the art of relationships, worldly things….the list is endless. I realise that I only know so little of these things and I guess this realisation is a good thing because it suggests the onset of a desire to know more and I read somewhere yesterday that its only when you get to the end of you knowledge/strength/resources that you can begin to rely fully on God. So, Jesus take the wheel! Before now, I sub consciously walked around like I knew a fair amount of things, you know, there were some areas I used to feel like a professor in. Now I laugh because they say and I paraphrase “In a blind mans kingdom, the one-eyed man is king” Therefore, it is walking among the “blind” that caused my superior thinking now I’m in the world of two-eyed men big time.

Forgive me for this me-me-me syndrome that is beginning to plague me. As, I said I really want to blog for me now. I mean I love the fact that you guys visit and even bother to comment. I used to be crazy about that stuff in the beginning, one comment from someone could literally make my day and it still does but its different now. Then I craved acceptance…it was all about the end product and how the “user” would relate with/perceive it. You know there were all these funny, witty, juicy gossip, interesting and drama overload blogs. I thought “if only I could be like them and have people drop like 50 comments on one post” lol… but you know what, I’m not, could even be that if I wanted to. I may not be funny, witty, have any thing particularly interesting to say, I may be random and confusing…heck! I don’t know…but I’m going to be me and if in the process of doing that I happen to interest/amuse you or whatever then, wow!... good for you!.

Really I think people ought to have like a mission statement before starting a blog so it can be really clear what you want…me I was doing follow-follow…I saw what other people had, a channel to express their opinion about anything and say what was on their mind, an open community and I wanted in but I didn’t actually cash in on it. I filtered my thoughts and everything…I was just blogging so I could get comments not that I got that many but those few I got where all I blogged for. And it’s nice to get comments but I got it twisted, I should blog for me and then if I happen to get any comments… an additional plus!

This blogsville issue is kinda parallel to real life. I’ve been ignoring myself, hiding, repressing myself so I can be the right model of good girl for mother/family/friends/teachers and everyone. I mean ok, I’m really a good girl sometimes but the problem is once you’re one you can’t stop being one cuz there are expectations and the pressure is killing! I swear I wish I rebelled more in my childhood. My sister moans that she hates being the “bad girl” but I envy her bad girl rep. she can mess up and not get much stick but then I guess she envies my good girl rep cuz people only speak friggin good of you! Labels in general suck! I pray I don’t make that mistake with my kids. Even the worst people have good in them and even the best people have some bad in them, overlooking either side could be fatal. I really just want to be free to be me…whatever that may be..

Lots of mushy strawberry

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Changes I've made a few changes round here as you can see. I'ld like to think that I've grown from the girl I used to be 3 years ago well at least I have a renewed vision of what I want and where I want to go in life. I'm definitely in a different place, a more personal place hence my ditching the blog title "Tiwa's world". . At that point in time I wanted to be someone else and to me that name and this blog gave me the chance to live as someone be the person that I wanted to be but couldn't be in real life. . Anyway, a thats changed because now I'm ready to be who I want to be. ME. I'm not planning to loose my anonimousity. I cannot totally dissasociate myself from the name cuz its my blog address and everyone already knows me as that but nevertheless, I'm gonna be more personal and open...It's an issue of overcoming fear and limitations really.

Nyways, you are all officially invited to my world

Lotta luv!