Thursday, April 23, 2009

If not loving you with all my heart's a crime..then i'm guilty

Gosh! this is very bad! Ok...rewind back to like to weeks ago. I was all happy in like and happy that me and bf finally got together and ready to brave any problems that come with long distance. Err..right now I'm thinking "What the hell was I thinking?!" *sob* this is exactly the situation predicted by my personality test i took a few months back

It is also true that you rarely fall in love because your expectations of your partner are very high and only very few will meet them.However, when it happens to you, things can get pretty intense. Then you even throw your previous taciturnity overboard, and compared to your normal behavior, you get loquacious and drippy. But that usually doesn’t last long, as soon your analytical and rational part returns from its vacation, puts the entire matter under a microscope without mercy, and woe to your partner if he/she did not reach the required standards in some respect!

I can't believe how true that ish is! darn it. I was talking to a friend about it and she was like "sha don't make any rash decisions" Er I already did by jumping stupidly into this thing in the first place. I mean, he's OK but is he really the kind of guy I see myself being in a relationship with? no. I don't want to totally destroy his character on here cuz , really he's not that bad and I did like him. But as the "profound" quote from a movie I watched recently says " There's what you like and there is" . He is just not it. And now I feel very guilty cuz for like the past two days he didnt call and I was really thinking Stupid boy he didn't even call, its even better and all that so I did'nt bother to call/text him. Only for him to call and say that he's been ill for the past two days and ladida. Then he told me he loved me (which I don't believe anyway and is a whole different issue for another day) but then I had to say it back( Well, I didnt HAVE to cuz he didnt force my mouth open) cuz theres was like an akward pause. I feel so phony/fake?/feel free to insert any other word. I really have to tell him how I really feel but I really don't want to hurt him as well. And, maybe it's just a phase but I don't think so. I just don't understand how I can fall so easily out of like? Geez!

Anyhoos I just had to let that out. and btw I'm considering goin private..much safer.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Lets get personal

Right now I have lots of things on my mind. First off, remember the person I was missing in my last post? Well... after a few texts and phonecalls, we found out that we stll liked eachother and decided to give it go. I'm very happy about this but all of a sudden unsure as well. Like is this what I really want? Can I handle being in a long-distance relationship..something I told myself I'll never do. And to be honest I'm totally clueless about this relationship thing.. cuz this is my first proper relationship with someone I actually really like. And I still don't think I can totally commit to one guy...I'm to used to being free to mingle and all that....*sigh* thats a whole load of questions but I'll just see how it goes and not take this too seriously.

Other things in my head. I miss my best friend. She was my best friend when I was younger..we drifted apart due to distaance and just basically growing up but then we kinda became friends again although this renewed frindship was short lived. The thing is I felt like I was the one who did everything, I visited her, I was the one always calling etc and I always felt like she was in control of our friendship. I am a very independent person and so I hated feeling like I was being controlled or whatever and so I decided I'ld just let go and leave her alone. If she didnt call me I wouldn't call her and basically our friendship fizzled out. It's sad cuz she was someone I always felt I could confide in and I miss that cuz there's not many people I feel that way about and I think I want to reach out again. Don't know if its a wise move...cuz she might end up taking me for granted again..or maybe I was just being paranoid bout everything and the real issue is me?

Even if it isnt a wise choice, this is not the first time I'ld do something stupid. I always see to be making the wrong choices. Lord I need WISDOM!

I have quite a few stuff lined up for easter so I'm tres excited! Hope you guys are looking forward to the easter break as well..

lots of love Mon cherie(s)