My God given self

I wrote a rather mean and somewhat true post bout myself earlier...but didn't post it but now that I got over my mood, I decided to post it anyway.

I am a confused child. Nothing is ever black and white, there's always off-white,cream and then grey. I don't even know what I want. I say one thing and do the opposite. All as a result of trying to satisfy every wish/urge/person..Even though thats not possible. I'm appalled by my weakness to stand firmly for one thing no matter what.

I need clarity in my head. Nothing s ever clear....there's always the unknown haunting me and taunting me stopping me from taking the next step.

I'm scared of everything. Scared of the past, the future and today. Scared to love and too scared to allow myself to be loved truly and completely. Scared of hurting myself and others and scared of others hurting me. I'm too scared to be me and too scared to be anything else. ..Wimp!

I've caged myself in a see-thru plastic covering. You can see me, I can see you, you can even poke me and try to touch me but you can never feel me. I'm a result of never being really decided/involved/dedicated to anything...just been going wherever the wind blows me.

I need something to help me don't know what. I probably shouldnt post this on my blog..I sound like the miserable nut case that I am.


Did a personality test on http://www.ipersonic.com/ . According to them, I'm an Analytical thinker...Here's a snippet of the description..if you can be bothered to read...I've edited to include only the bits i agree most with

Analytical Thinkers are reserved, quiet persons. They like to get to the bottom of things - curiosity is one of their strongest motives. They want to know what holds the world together deep down inside. Analytical Thinkers like to work alone. .They are always a little like an “absent-minded professor” whose home and workplace are chaotic. in general,they are quite independent of social relationships and very self-reliant. ..(True but I'm tired of this freaking self reliance...darn it...a little help is always good even though it would kill me to ask for it)

...It takes some time before Analytical Thinkers make friends, but then they are mostly friends for life. ; they need a lot of time alone and often withdraw from others. Their partner must respect this and understand that this is not due to the lack of affection. Once they have decided in favour of a person, Analytical Thinkers are loyal and reliable partners. However, one cannot expect romance and effusive expressions of feelings from them and they will definitely forget their wedding anniversary. (OMG...lol) You also give the impression of being quiet, cool, distanced and deliberate - everything is true. It is also true that you rarely fall in love because your expectations of your partner are very high and only very few will meet them.

However, when it happens to you, things - especially for an introverted Thinker - can get pretty intense. Then you even throw your previous taciturnity overboard, and compared to your normal behavior, you get loquacious and drippy. But that usually doesn’t last long, as soon your analytical and rational part returns from its vacation, puts the entire matter under a microscope without mercy, and woe to your partner if he/she did not reach the required standards in some respect! You have a very clear mental picture of your expectations and in this respect you are much too hardheaded and stubborn to be ready for any compromises. You would rather be alone than to put up with the second best, thank you very much.

So freaking true! Especially all the love related ones..lol.. God help me..I am going to defy this darn personality and evolve into a warm, open and loving girl...lol

Really and truly though, despite all my issues, I LOVE ME! Really I do, I'm so intricate and amusing in that unique way that alot of people do not understand...I think I'm really smart and strong, lovable etcetera etcetra

As you can see I'm my own biggest critique and admirer...such is life

Here's to my God given self and to yours!!!
xxx