Monday, March 03, 2008

Better to have loved and lost

Guys thanks for your comments on my last post…really encouraging. It’s funny that I get that kind of support/encouragement, no matter how little it seems, from people I’ve never met before, when the people I see all the time fail to provide it. It’s not really their fault though as I have not really given them the opportunity to do so.
Nyways, I’m feeling a little bit more together now. I had this moment where I realised…actually where it hit me that I only have one life and one “now”. Every moment is precious and is gone in a second…gone as in dead gone.

Even though I don’t even know where to start from, I’m going to try. I really wish I could go on gap year but I already had a kinda gap year before I started my A levels. I practically just did nothing apart from doing this useless course which I did not even finish. Now I just look back and think “What a waste!” If only I knew how useful that free time could have been. Nyways no more shouldawouldacouldas, I’m looking to the future and how I can make the best use of now.

I also realised that I am completely guy free at the moment. I still have my guy friends but I’m not harbouring any painful secret crushes neither are any guys annoyingly chasing after me ( You know I’m hot stuff! lol)… Well, there is a guy that has expressed his like for me but he’s not acting up on it which is totally cool with me. Anyways, I actually like it this way…for now at least. Even though sometimes I catch myself craving for a cuddle mate, I really and truly cannot just be bothered. I have so much school work as it is, so there’s no time but I’m looking forward till after school as in Summer hols and beyond to go on the prowl…lol. You’d think I was the kind of babe that can actually go out, find a guy and pull him in! Not even close. See, my problem is that I front a lot! Seriously, I’m a professional fronter and this easily puts off guys cuz they’ll think I’m not interested when I really am. The thing is though, the fronting doesn’t last if you’re a cool chap and not put off by my initial front. The trick is to try and make me laugh. It doesn’t even have to be really funny as I’m known to laugh at even the driest jokes and I really just break the first layer if you can make me laugh. I think the reason for the fronting is trying to protect myself from being hurt and all. I’ve wrapped my self in so many layers and the fronting is just the first layer. The second is showing like but reserved like. The next is me seeming totally free and comfortable with you but then never going deep. The final one and the strongest is around my heart. It’s hard for me to open up and totally trust the other person. I’m scared of being close to people and letting them in properly and sharing my fears, joys, hopes and dreams. It’s complicated but ultimately it’s the fear of being rejected for what I really and all I have to give and thus being irreparably hurt. However, I’m trying to learn from the famous words of Alfred, Lord Tennyson “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”

On a different note, I saw Asa’s cd in HMV. You should have seen the smile on my face. Even though I’m not related to her in any way and have never seen her in my life I felt very proud just seeing that cd lying there with all other big names. Not many truly Nigerian, Yoruba speaking, dreadlock wearing artists make it across the big ocean. Apparently she’s signed to the same label as Kate Nash in the UK. Apart from that, I really love her music. Normally thats not my kind of music but I dunno there’s something so calming and beautiful about it. Her lyrics are poignant and potent and just simply irresistible. My favourite tracks on the Album are Bibanke, Fire on the mountain and So beautiful. On some, the Yoruba gets too much for me to understand but mostly I get it and I love it. Hope it does well!

Also BET is now in England! How exciting is that! Yesterday night I watched the BET awards and all I can say is that Monique girl is CRAZY but funny. In btw watching TV and blogging, I have also been bombarded with school work. I have two course-works to submit in two weeks and I have to start revising for my exams in June while still carrying on with normal school work and assignments. Hmm, God is my strength.

BTW, my panic about getting offers from my Uni’s was so totally unnecessary as I got offers from four of the Uni’s I applied to. Stupid Warwick rejected me, but its aight. I’m going to check out Manchester this week. Hopefully, I fall in love with it and I can put it as my first choice cuz I would really love to live in Manchester.

Nyways, my fabulous people, Stay fabulous, love your selves, love life and take the risk on loving others!

God’s love